A few years ago, late one night, I lost myself in Reddit, mindlessly scrolling through psychedelic trip stories. I was fascinated.

Could this heal the chaos inside?

At some point, I read, Ayahuasca: The Vine of the Soul.

You know the feeling when you finally have the answer. The feeling of:

"This is it".

That's what I felt at that moment.

I felt a relief and strong sense of hope.

Maybe I didn't have to carry this internal hell with me my whole life.

Maybe there was a quick way out. A reset of the soul.

I used to think I was free.

But I was trapped, just like everyone else. A prison with no walls, built from memories, old contioning and habits.

Every bad habit, distraction, trigger and escape, wasn't random. It was a defense mechanism. A way to numb what was underneath.

Because when you go through hardship, especially at a young age, it shapes you in ways you don't even realize.

And we all go through hardship.

My experience wasn't any different, and I'm not the only unique case in this world. It's more common than we think.

But deep inside, I longed for something more. For liberation and peace. It was like my spirit was screaming for change. For freedom.

Yet, at the same time, another part of me kept pulling me back. I wanted to break free. But the fact was: I was also clinging to the habits, thoughts, and patterns that kept me stuck, like a prisoner in my own head.

The gap between where I was and the freedom I craved created a tension that felt unbearable. Like an internal inferno, a constant battle between hope and self-sabotage, between expansion and the fear of letting go.

Until one day, the weight became unbearable.

So heavy it finally broke me.

One morning, I woke up and felt nothing. Not sadness, not anger. Just emptiness. How odd, I thought in my mind. I stared at the ceiling, knowing I had two choices: keep sinking or start fighting.

Imagine being alone in the middle of the ocean. The night is endless. No rescue. No lifeboat. Just you and the weight of everything dragging you under. You sink deeper until you hit the bottom.

And in that moment, you realize, the only way to survive is to start swimming. Like a punch in my heart that was telling me to "get up"

I believe we’re all guided in life. You might call that instinct, knowingness or an inner guru.

A force watching over us.

Walking with us through hardship. Making sure that even in our suffering, we're learning what we need to, in order to grow, heal, and evolve.

At that time, I discovered into meditation and mindfulness.

And something shifted.

I noticed I was less angry, less irritated, less triggered by external circumstances.

A small win, but a powerful one. So I kept going.

One thing led to another, and my habits began to change.

I did what we call self-transformation, through internal and shadow work.

I stopped running from my demons and started facing them.

Instead of sinking, I swam.

Toward freedom. Toward light.

And I realized, it was all within me.

We all have the power to change.

It starts by turning inward. Facing ourselves, our past. Not with judgment, but with love and acceptance.

Because at the end of the day, why blame ourselves for something that was never our choice to begin with?

You might be reading this while going through your own hardship right now.

If you are, I want you to know, the guilt you feel isn’t yours to carry.

It’s not your fault. Don’t blame yourself.

Instead, forgive and accept. And show your younger self the love they always needed.

That's the only way out. That's the way forward.

A few weeks ago, I stepped into the vision I had years ago.

I finally met Mother Aya.

I sat in ceremony, drank Ayahuasca, and participated in something far greater than myself.

But not as an escape or a quick way out.

This was always meant to happen.

It has fascinated me for years, like it was calling for me. Like a whisper from something ancient and something I've always known, but never truly met.

And now, I want to invite you into this journey.

A journey into a place that feels distant, mystical, and foreign.

Yet, in truth, it's home.

A journey from the mind back to the heart.

Because in the end, this was never about Ayahuasca but about seeing what was always there.

You don't need an external force to set you free. There was never a lock on the door, even if it felt like it.

You've always been free but trapped yourself into your own mental prison.

So with or without Aya, you can liberate yourself from your own chains, one small step at a time.

With each step, you'll let out more light, more laughter, more ease.

There's no need to rush this internal process because there's no destination. The road itself and is beautiful in its own way.

Before I entered the retreat I didn't hope for anything specific. There was still some small weight left to release, something lingering that's ready to be let go. But I've been home many times over the years. However, for brief moments, I lose that sense of home within myself.

So it was time for me to get back. One last time in order to truly find my way home and stay there for good.

What happened that weekend went far deeper than anything I could have imagined.

The laughter, the tears, the purging, the pure joy.

It was like being broken down and rebuilt from scratch.

I went there to explore Ayahuasca and Bufo. But what I found went beyond healing or insight.

I found the answers I've been looking for and I managed to navigate home.

It was a hell of a ride and as I lay there that first night, with the rain hitting the roof and darkness all around, I felt it — something still left to face.

A part of me I’d been avoiding for years.

But the truth is, this journey started long before I ever sat in that circle.

It began years ago with a vision.

A calling that never left me. And somehow, that calling pulled me right here, to this moment.

The seed was planted long before. And now, it was about to bloom

The Vision from Past Manifests in The Present Moment

The year was 2020. I had just watched Brian Rose from London Real (his channel and podcast don’t exist on YouTube anymore) and his documentary going to Costa Rica for an Ayahuasca retreat.

I was fascinated.

By his experience. By what he saw. By the childhood memories he managed to accept and heal.

But also by the whole setup, how he made a documentary around it. It was an invitation for the viewer to see and feel what he did, but from another perspective. Not as strong, but still enough to get a glimpse.

For me, it was enough.

At that moment, I realized: I want to do the same one day.

I want to film and document my journey, using this strong plant medicine, and invite people into my experience.

I want to show people that it’s not as evil or dangerous as many think.

We’ve demonized this type of natural medicine, which has existed for thousands of years.

But when used correctly, imagine how much it can help, healing not just individuals, but the world.

The psychedelic world isn’t foreign to me. LSD, mushrooms, DMT, I've tried them before.

Not too many times, but enough to "understand" that there are things beyond our mental grasp, things that can't be explained in words. Because they go beyond the mind.

The void, presence, pure awareness, and unconditional love. Many terms, same thing.

Now, five years later, it was my turn.

Around two week before the retreat, I was talking to a guy at my local gym.

We had talked before. From a simple hi to a bit longer conversations.

The problem wasn't the connection but the fact that I didn't speak that good Spanish. But I was practising everyday and made fast progress.

One day speaking to him, he mentioned my progress in Spanish and we talked a bit more than usual. This time, it wasn’t just a random chat.

Life had connected us.

From listening to Spanish podcasts as part of my practice, I already knew he had a Youtube channel.

And his latest invitation? That was something different.

I brought it up.

One thing led to another, and we got into a conversation about Ayahuasca.

He told me his next big project was making a documentary about it.

But since he was the one asking the questions and creating the whole thing, it would be hard for him to drink it himself.

He needed someone he could interview.

"Do you want to drink it, and I’ll film you?" he asked.

I was shocked for a couple of seconds.

Not from the question itself. Not from the thought of drinking the brew I had wanted to try for years.

But from the realization that the vision I had back then, to take it to the next step and make a documentary around it, was now being presented right in front of me.

Some typical fearful thoughts crept in:

• What would my family say?
• Will I be able to give good responses in Spanish?
• What if I meet some leftover demons and freak out?

"Shhhh."

I’ve learned to see through the illusions of my thoughts, especially the fearful ones.

I already knew the answer. There was no hesitation.

But I played it cool.

I told him it sounded interesting and that I’d think about it.

Two weeks later, we went to Barcelona for the journey.

And today, we're closer than ever.

Life works in strange ways, huh?

I stepped out of my comfort zone, created my first documentary or YouTube video in a foreign language I didn't speak well. And at the same time, drinking one of the strongest psychedelic plant medicines.

What can go wrong?

Nothing, I told myself. I knew it could only go right.

I felt protected and safe, beeing exactly where I should be, doing exactly what I should.

Thats what I learned over the years. To trust my intuition and flow.

This was my journey.

• From comfort to the spotlight.
• From old self to no self.
• From a vision into reality.
• From a calling into action.
• From fear into full presence.

And now, weeks later, I want to invite you into the experience I had.

Join me, buckle up, and get ready, because this is gonna be a hell of a ride.

What happened next tore down everything I thought I knew. About myself. About reality. About life and death.

I went there searching for healing. But what I found was something else.

Something so profound, it would leave me questioning everything.

But that's a story for Part 2.

Stay tuned. You won’t believe what happened next.

-Tomas